Conversations With A Bloodsucker

“Oh no you don’t!” I had been feeling its presence, like a thread grazing my skin. You know how annoying that can be. Then there was the occasional buzzing near my ear — so irritating! So when I saw it poised on my couch, I steadied my hand, gathered enough momentum, and assumed the position.

Then, my hand began its swift descent to deliver the death slap, and that was when I heard, “Stop!”

My hand hung mid-air as I turned to look back, thinking my husband was behind me, but no one else was in the room. I resumed my position, ready to annihilate the intruder of my sleep, and thankfully, it was still in the same position. And then I heard it again.

“Stop!”

Could I be imagining things?

“Don’t kill me, please.”

It was a good thing I wasn’t a user of cannabis, otherwise I would have had all the reasons to doubt myself at that moment. So, I looked down at the mosquito, and a thought crossed my mind, but I quickly dismissed it. “Nah, it can’t be,” I said to myself, and though I had just woken up, I was very aware of my surroundings, as I was a light sleeper.

“Listen, I know this is the kind of stuff you see in movies, but it’s real. I’m a mosquito and I’m talking to you.”

I was supposed to start freaking out, but instead, I had a wide smile across my face. If I could look in the mirror, I would probably see a very stupid-looking version of myself. As a child, I read a lot of books, and there was a time where I would stay up till midnight, waiting to see if my dolls would come alive, just like the way they were alive in the books I read. So if this mosquito was alive and talking to me, then wow! It was my childhood wish come true.

“I don’t know what to say,” I said to the mosquito. I doubt anyone would. Heck, they probably wouldn’t have given the mosquito a chance either.

“Well, you don’t have to say anything, just listen to me.”

I was very fine with that. I had no idea what a mosquito would want to say.

“I’m happy being a mosquito, you know. It’s just that — ”

“Well, I imagine you would be. Aren’t we supposed to be happy with the way we were created?”

“Yes we are, but even you humans aren’t. Isn’t that why you go on all those crazy diets and fitness regimes, cosmetic surgeries and what not?”

“I suppose you’re right. So tell me, what’s there not to like about a mosquito’s life?”

“Hellooo? You are asking me. I’m an insect — a blood-sucking one. As if that isn’t enough, I get to be the delivery guy for malaria. I don’t even have a choice, I can’t refuse. It’s not like requesting a cab over an app, you can’t reject the call by the parasite when it’s made.”

This was getting interesting. Who would have thought. I wasn’t going to interrupt and Mosquito continued.

“Some of my cousins get to work in other crappy companies, where all they deliver are the Zika, West Nile, Yellow Fever, Dengue fever and Chikungunya viruses. And then you know what else sucks? Forgive the pun too.”

“What else?”

“Take a wild guess.”

I couldn’t even imagine, so I raised my hands in a gesture of confusion. “I have no idea.”

“I can’t even get a life partner, because even if I do, his life expires long before mine, probably because all the men are vegetarians. Talk about a complete irony. We women can’t live without blood, but our mates are vegetarian.”

I was shocked. I found out from Mosquito that while she lived for about five months or so, her mate lived for only about 10 days. “And those are the best 10 days of my life, I tell you.” She was a serial monogamist by fate.

“What a life,” I thought to myself.

“I know humans always want us dead, but there is no other way for us to live. It’s almost like us wishing that our legs were not so thin. No matter how many lunges or leg raises we do, our legs will always be like this.”

Mosquito did have a valid point, as I looked at my own not-too-skinny legs. If I wanted, I could beef them up some more.

“But I also find that you humans are quite silly.”

“How so?” There were lots of silly things we did as humans, but it would be nice to see things from a mosquito's perspective.

“Well, for one, you complain about mosquitoes, and you know we thrive in stagnant water, yet, there’s stagnant water around a lot of homes, and your gutters are usually all open.”

Mosquito was right, I couldn’t argue that.

“Well, it’s been a pleasure speaking with you.”

And before I could respond, she had flown away.

Somebody pinch me, because I think I must have been dreaming.