Saint and Sinner

Aaargh! Not another word of praise, not another thank you. If I heard one more, I would scream with rage, I was certain of it.

I dislike the praises, the kind words, the sentences laced with gratitude. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide. I am not all of those things they say I am. The things they say I do, I don’t always want to do them. I am not deserving of the prayers they say for me.

There are days I want to scream out. Ignore everyone’s needs and just do as I please. There are days where I just want to be rude. Replace my smile with a scowl. And maybe everyone around me will be uncomfortable.

These thoughts are the reason ‌ I feel unworthy of the kind words and praises. Because of the probability that I am as evil as I am as good as they make me out to be. I want them to leave room for that error, for the slipup. I want them to leave allowance for the day I may disappoint them. That way, I won’t feel bad that I didn’t live up to their expectations.

But no matter how hard I try to frown, complain, act negligent, not care, be unforgiving and be all manner of sinner, I cannot. Or maybe it is that I will not. I still smile (genuinely), wait patiently, even though I am pressed for time. I am still gracious and cool as a cucumber.

However, there are days when I have flared up and my temper has got the better of me. But I think those times, I needed to do so. I do not regret those instances. Like a pressure cooker, I just had to let out the steam, otherwise…

I believe we are all part saint and part sinner. And we get to choose which part rules us.

Day 16 of the Not Enough Writers 30-Day Writing Challenge